On the contrary. I am an anticipator.
If a task can be completed sooner as opposed to later I will always choose NOW. I like my assignments submitted with hours to spare. I like my chores completed well before the guests arrive. I like to buy my bananas green. I like to leave myself wiggle room for the inevitable hiccup that occurs right before the approaching deadline.
This season of my life, however, I have been trying to put off for as long as possible.
The summer started with renewed energy, fervor, and spirit for me. I was getting things done at work, hosting people well at home, and enjoying time with our church youth group. I was walking quicker and thinking clearer. It was a refreshing few weeks that overlapped with a much-needed visit from my cross-country driving parents and Gma. I am very thankful for those months.
Even during the good days and corresponding check-ups with my doctors, there remained a looming deadline. It was one I was given years ago when I was first diagnosed with heart problems. My cardiologist warned there may come a time when it would be harder for me to get out of bed, more difficult to breathe at night, a gradual slowing pace. There was no definitive date given so I worked to kick the day further down the calendar. I followed orders with prescriptions and diet and exercise which got me weeks further than I could have otherwise. I wanted to wait as long as possible.
As I watched the clock tick into a new day on August 29 I realized with certainty that we found the deadline. From my gurney in the ER I looked at my sleepy husband (who spent his energy finding happy animal videos to show me on his phone) and sensed it. I didn't feel overwhelmed with anger or distress or depravity. I felt anticipation. I was ready to shake hands with a season I had much wondered about.
I am starting my path towards a heart transplant.
My doctors respect my determination to live well and recommend we move forward with a more aggressive solution. This heart has worked as properly and as long as it could under the effects of cardiomyopathy. (And, believe me, I have used my heart with depth!) Now it is fatigued and its sluggishness is affecting my entire system.
Ben and I will check into the hospital next week for a few days' worth of testing to determine if I qualify for a transplant. If so, I will be ranked and put on the national transplant list. If not, we will look at other options to keep me going. Whatever the case, I have a great team of doctors, nurses, surgeons, and support staff who I trust with helping me feel better.
This is not a season I wanted to enter in my thirties (or in any decade) but I see there is hope for a fuller life ahead of me. This could be the most helpful answer to the many questions I have asked God about my health. This could lead to the healing people have prayed with and over me. I do not need to mourn that I can't push it further--we can flip the calendar pages with a new outlook on life.
So I walk forward with anticipation.
You are welcome to join me.
