Seasons

Everyone goes through different stages in life, takes on a dominant personality that influences your words and actions, your thoughts and feelings. I have been reflecting on some of my own distinct eras over the past fifteen years...

The 'Satan is a Punk' high school years. I was really into my Christian title and equally into all things music. I wore slangy Berean t-shirts and spent every Friday night at a show. My spirituality was just being defined as my own but I was heavily influenced by large-group gatherings that included 'winning' people for Jesus and 'taking back' culture. I was also heavily influenced by Emery and Anberlin. Thank God.

The Rosie the Riveter era. The years where I believed I could do anything! This was the season of finishing school, starting a career, traveling the world, trying new things, and befriending anyone who came across my path. I had discovered my God-given abilities and was using them to their fullest potential. Still, I struggled to define what I was most gifted in and most passionate about as I put my whole heart into everyone and everything I encountered.

The Outdoor Educator seasons. Times where walking, talking, and observing were a way of life. My work became my play as I spent hours on the trail with kids and coworkers alike. My soul dug a little deeper and I discovered the need to journal, sketch, and sing in the forest. I asked a lot of questions and was asked a lot of questions, many I still I have not found answers to. Jesus felt so close. Whenever I think of this time I smell dirt--rich, dark, loamy soil. My head still has not forgiven my heart for ending this stage of life so abruptly.

Over the past three years, it seems every season, every week, multiple times a day I am experiencing a different title: Broken Woman, Healing Heart, Grateful Daughter, Shepherd, Loved and Loving Wife. All of these times have been surrounded by a wonderful community of family and friends, some who have supported me through different stages. God has remained consistent though has been experienced differently in every era. I love that.

So what era would I say I am in now?

I have told Ben multiple times that I think he married a cat. Whenever he sits down I want to snuggle, I get cranky when I haven't been fed, and I sleep long hours. I am constantly cold and crave the sunshine. 

But I hope I am more than just that. 

I am in a season of loving and protecting the Least Of These in my community, including a host of amazing children. 

I am learning what my body needs and finding the difficult balance between work and rest.

I am prioritizing time with my family, my friends, and my incredible husband. 

I am growing in my knowledge and understanding of the world and finding the glimmers of Light to hold onto.

I am simultaneously weaker and more powerful now than I was before.

So I think this is my time to be a cat.

This is my Lioness era. 

Roar.

Energy

My husband made the discovery that my new initials, CHF, (Caitlin Holly Friesen) were the same initials written on my last doctor's note (Congestive Heart Failure).

It was worthy of a sucking-in-air-through-teeth cringe.

It was also worthy of a hug.



There is a part of me that still cannot comprehend that I have days like today. Days when I wake up and every ounce of me aches. Days when my heart feels like it is going to inflate itself so big it might pop. Days when I can't stand up without feeling like I am spinning.

I hate it.

My strive for positivity is overshadowed by reality. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.



This past Saturday (the gift of a ''Good Day") Ben and I had the privilege to enjoy sunshine and soccer played by some of the coolest kids we know. Our elementary-aged friends ran and kicked and laughed and fell. I honestly don't know if their teams won or lost; everyone was just happy to have the space to play. It made me so incredibly thankful that my kiddos have the energy to do what they love to do.

I feel like that is something I am missing in my life.

Don't get me wrong--my life is wonderful. I am surrounded by amazing people who love and support me (including my incredible husband--happy first month of marriage, My Love!). I have a life-giving role in a ministry I feel called to. I have a lovely home, reliable transportation, more than enough to eat and drink and wear and share.

But there are things I love to do that I can't find the energy for. Things that CHF doesn't seem to allow.

Like backpacking on Big Sur trails.
Dancing in my cowgirl boots.
Jogging on tree-lined roads.
Pretending I know how to surf.
Staying up past midnight.
Making it to all the events on my calendar.
Waking up and getting ready for work by the time the office opens.



My wonderful Mother--who knows a thing or two about finding energy in a physically-draining season--sent me a text with an Ephesians reference.

A prayer I immediately felt.

And it will remain my prayer for you and for me and for those of us who need power. Who need roots. Who need energy to do what we love to do.

May you experience the Love of Christ this week, my friends.

Vows

My apartment is a mess, half-emptied cardboard boxes stacked in the living room.
My e-mail messages are read but not-yet replied to.
My husband is asleep on the couch, hugging a pillow tightly to his chest.

And I am so glad.



Ben and I are recovering from our first week of being Mr. and Mrs. Friesen.

Last Sunday, we had an incredible celebration of marriage with many of our favorite people up at Sugar Pine Christian Camps. There were cupcakes and bubbles and pine trees and conversations. We went just a few miles up the road to Tenaya Lodge who extended an incredibly generous offer for two nights in a luxury suite--complete with whirlpool bathtub and two balconies. After a rejuvenating start to our week we landed back in Fresno and continued the process of turning our white-walled space into a more comfortable home. Organizing clothes, washing dishes, and carrying loads of our stuff across the parking lot was a therapeutic part of nesting. I went back to work and Ben cooked meals. We watched "Baby Animals in the Wild" on Netflix. We kissed and snuggled.

It was bliss.



As a duo of People Who Understand Real Life, Ben and I spoke long before this week about how life together would not always reflect easy and lovable thoughts or experiences. There would be times to come that would be challenging and tear-filled and frustrating. It would not always be blissful. That is why we decided that we should put time and energy into writing our commitments to each other and share them on our wedding day.



Ben and I are recovering from our first week of being Mr. and Mrs. Friesen.

Last Sunday, we asked our family and friends to run around like crazy people setting up food and decorations and taking pictures at Sugar Pine Christian Camps. My sister and I got devoured by [fleas? bed bugs?] which left itchy red welts for days. We went a few miles up the road to Tenaya Lodge and came home earlier than anticipated because we were not feeling well enough to hike in Yosemite. After a tiring start to our week we landed back in Fresno and spent hours moving stuff around and trying to find parking. I had to drop my online class and Ben made phone calls. We watched my heart rate and took a trip to Kaiser. We worried and I cried.

It was tough.



As the Man I Love snores on the sofa and I look over my discharge instructions from the E.R. I feel at peace. Honestly, I don't think I would change anything about this first week of our marriage. If we only kept the blissful moments, the moments of color and light that will stick with us forever, we would be missing so much. Because these are the times we wrote our vows for. We get to start living out our promises to each other now!

I choose you through sickness, through health. Through good times and bad. Through feeling ecstatic being in your presence and through times when we may disagree or even fight. I commit my love to you, to be loyal to you, to protect you, serve you, to partner with you in the journey God has laid out for us.

Cheers to a beautiful first week of loving and living out our commitment to each other.
Cheers to five thousand more.

Ben, thank you for being my Home and allowing me to be yours. I cannot express how grounded I feel doing life with you. Let's continue on in goodness, in health, and in God's perfect love.

Fell

Increasingly over the past few years, people (those known to me and strangers who feel the need to share) have wanted to talk to me about what life will be like when I fall in love. 

You will figure out he is The One in the first conversation.

It will all happen so quickly; the whole story will unfold perfectly.

You will just know.

And, the most common phrase of all,

Soon. He will show up soon.

Perhaps these couples were speaking from their own blissful experience (or perhaps everyone was too influenced by Disney movies as children) but they all saw my potential for romance as so ripe; something that would happen in season and with little effort. They convinced me to wait expectantly each season for my knight in shining armor to ride in and sweep me off my feet.



I am happy to say that my love story has started, just like everyone said it would.

I am also happy to say that everyone was wrong.

Including me.



Ben and I met at the end of an Ash Wednesday service in February 2015.

...Wait, let me back up.

Two years ago, Simon Biasell and I were preparing for an event at Woven. He was sharing about his time at seminary and asked, "Do you know Ben Friesen? I feel like you two would get along really well." I told him I had never met the guy but would probably run into him eventually.

Nearly a year later, when I applied for a position at North Fresno Church, Louisa Tantraphol sent me this text:

So I totally have an idea about someone who might be a good dating match for you... He goes to our church, and he goes to seminary, is in the post college group we go to, and legit has a mennonite last name.

Three weeks following that text, Ben and I met at the end of an Ash Wednesday service in February 2015.

It was not love at first sight. For either of us.
We did not just know.
Our first conversation lasted all of thirty seconds.
And it was kind of awkward.

Unbeknownst to the other person, we had cheering squads for Team Ben and Caitlin on both sides. And while that made me more nervous about talking to this guy, it made Ben more resistant to spending time with me.

Which did not make anything happen quickly or seamlessly.

Weeks went by with little more than "Hi"s and head nods between us. We hung out in larger group settings and got to know each other second-hand. I figured out that I liked the guy--as a friend, he was too 'vanilla' to want to date-- and would seek him out at gatherings, sit by him at events, and enjoy his company. He was a nice person.

Everyone kept trying to push us together (in separate conversations) and we kept resisting (in our own unique ways).

Eventually the group we met in in got smaller and smaller. We didn't need as much of a buffer to communicate, as many people around to give in-roads to conversation. Still, I wasn't expecting much beyond having a friend at church and a familiar face at school. I figured he would finish up his time at seminary and move back to Oklahoma and out of my circle and out of everyone's expectations.



I don't know when things changed for me.



Ben claims things changed for him at a Super Bowl party when I tried to give him his coat--by putting it on him, mind you. He fell.

I don't know when I fell. Maybe it was when I gave him his coat. Maybe it was when we talked about cooking during a break at the PDC Conference. Maybe it was when I sat in front of the stage with our kids and listened to him talk about Easter. Maybe it was when we first shook hands.

Whenever it was, I finally realized who I was spending time with:

An intelligent and caring man with a passion for knowing people and understanding God. Someone funny, reserved, and inquisitive. A man who believes in pacifism and seeks shalom, desires justice. Who cheers on the underdog and is fiercely loyal to the people in his sphere. Who can name just about any kind of dinosaur. Whose compassion and integrity always shine through. A steady, wonderful, one-of-a-kind human.

And I was about to let him finish seminary and leave.



So on February Seven, 2016 I asked Ben Friesen out on a date.



I am happy to say that my love story has started, just like everyone said it would.

I am also happy to say that everyone was right.

Including me. And including Ben.