My husband made the discovery that my new initials, CHF, (Caitlin Holly Friesen) were the same initials written on my last doctor's note (Congestive Heart Failure).
It was worthy of a sucking-in-air-through-teeth cringe.
It was also worthy of a hug.
There is a part of me that still cannot comprehend that I have days like today. Days when I wake up and every ounce of me aches. Days when my heart feels like it is going to inflate itself so big it might pop. Days when I can't stand up without feeling like I am spinning.
I hate it.
My strive for positivity is overshadowed by reality. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.
This past Saturday (the gift of a ''Good Day") Ben and I had the privilege to enjoy sunshine and soccer played by some of the coolest kids we know. Our elementary-aged friends ran and kicked and laughed and fell. I honestly don't know if their teams won or lost; everyone was just happy to have the space to play. It made me so incredibly thankful that my kiddos have the energy to do what they love to do.
I feel like that is something I am missing in my life.
Don't get me wrong--my life is wonderful. I am surrounded by amazing people who love and support me (including my incredible husband--happy first month of marriage, My Love!). I have a life-giving role in a ministry I feel called to. I have a lovely home, reliable transportation, more than enough to eat and drink and wear and share.
But there are things I love to do that I can't find the energy for. Things that CHF doesn't seem to allow.
Like backpacking on Big Sur trails.
Dancing in my cowgirl boots.
Jogging on tree-lined roads.
Pretending I know how to surf.
Staying up past midnight.
Making it to all the events on my calendar.
Waking up and getting ready for work by the time the office opens.
My wonderful Mother--who knows a thing or two about finding energy in a physically-draining season--sent me a text with an Ephesians reference.
A prayer I immediately felt.
And it will remain my prayer for you and for me and for those of us who need power. Who need roots. Who need energy to do what we love to do.
May you experience the Love of Christ this week, my friends.
My dear Caitlan, so many thoughts rush around in my head as I read this and I try to think of what to say to encourage and support you. You see I have held on to Paul's hand when he expressed those same feelings, frustration,sadness, the "if only I was well" wanting so much to take all his health issues away.
ReplyDeleteBut knowing I can't, hoping that prayer and love gives him a little more energy and treasuring the good days. I hope in some way knowing that Paul and I love you and Ben dearly and pray for you daily gives you strength. Please know too that if I can ever do anything on the practical side for you or Ben, I would be honored to do so. Also, if you or Ben just need someone to vent to, a shoulder to cry on (litarilly if need be) I am available in person or on social media. Please tell Ben he doesn't have to be strong all the time, as a spouse it's hard. You don't want to let the other see how worried you are, how stressed you are, or whatever. So please let him know I understand it is hard on him to. I hope this hasn't rambled too much, and I hope you know that you are loved deeply.