I will be honored by every nation.
I will be honored throughout the world."
The Lord of Heaven's armies is here among us;
The God of Israel is our fortress.
(Psalm 46:10-11 NLT)
Every year I become more of a contemplative and (perhaps because) every year I have more to contemplate. This season has been no exception and, consequently, has properly worn my mind and my heart making both a little smoother, a little less defined. It has taken much longer to process what is happening in and around me, what is happening in and around our world.
With this information and sensory overload, I have had to take the advice to "Be still" quite literally. To intentionally create space in my daily path to stop and breathe. To sit. To process.
Because of this practice, I have been able to inhale a moment and the emotions that come with it. I have made it to a spot where I can start to see a little behind me. I can make out a little more of what is in front of me. And so I want to share. I want to share what I have made time to sit with this year and, when possible, what I have taken away from those moments of stillness:
My heart is too healthy to be replaced in my current state.
Perhaps the most [unexpected? unusual? un-hoped-for? un-something for sure!] part of my year came from starting the process toward a heart transplant. The dreaded T-word has been tossed around in appointments over the past few years without any definitive plan forward. My team at Cotton-O'Neil Heart Center in Topeka launched me to the next step of my heart journey by connecting me with St. Luke's Cardiac Center in Kansas City. All the testing, monitoring, and discussion over the past four months lands us in a grey area--I fall somewhere between a Person Needing A New Heart Now and a Marathon Runner. Stupid grey.
With the help of a strong team of doctors, transplant coordinators, insurance representatives, and cardiac rehab specialists I am inching my way forward. (Extra thanks go to Tinkerbell who has properly paced this vessel back into normalcy on more than one occasion.) My medications change frequently and we aren't sure if cardiac rehab is helping or hurting, but the plan is to keep my "Birth Heart" going into and through this next season.
My heart is too unhealthy to continue at my current pace.
While my medical team praises my ticker for not collapsing under the pressure of an immediate upgrade, the fact is that I am still in Congestive Heart Failure and dealing with pretty harsh symptoms. I sleep about 12 hours a day--I spent half the year in Dreamland--and have limited energy and ability. I never know how I will function from day to day or hour to hour so it has been difficult to make and keep plans.
In January I was hired by a great organization called Parents as Teachers; I appreciate the work they are doing for local families and love the generous people on their team. It became apparent this autumn that my body was not keeping up with my assigned tasks and, after transplant talks and a handful of ER visits, I no longer resemble my job description. My boss has graciously allowed me to stay on as a volunteer so I am able to continue assisting this great group with projects I can complete at home.
After months of navigating the system and waiting for a response, I found out that I qualify for Disability through the state of Kansas.* My part-time income is almost made up in full from SSA and Ben and I are incredibly grateful. So I walk into this next season without a paying job but with things to accomplish and people to assist.
*I could write an entire blog post on receiving and relying on government assistance (and the emotional turmoil that comes with it), but that will come at another time.
I have so many things in my life that I don't need.
Because much of this year has been spent in my apartment in southwest Topeka (this is also where the entry gate to Dreamland tends to appear) I have been able to take stock of what is most necessary to keep me alive and entertained. Here is the short list:
Things I need: A warm bed! Amy's low-sodium microwaveable entrees! Sunshine! Enjoyable reads!
Things I don't need: High-heeled shoes! More things to dust! Irrational fear! Depressing movies!
I thank God and my husband and Cheryl at Caribou Coffee for helping provide the things I need. The rest I have boxed up for nonprofits or (in the case of fear and depression) stomped into oblivion. This season more than any other in my life has reminded me that more stuff to carry does not mean more stuff to enjoy.
I have so many wonderful people in my community that I rely on.
I have to talk about Ben because there is no way I would be here without him. There is no other reason I would have moved to Topeka. No offense to the Midwest, its just that I have always been scared of tornadoes and blizzards and hordes of white people and not being near the ocean.
I digress...
Ben has had his own season, which I won't write for him, but has also been there every step of mine. He has sat with me to hold news and spent time asking questions, Googling symptoms, and finding ways to make me laugh. I have spent more time with him this year than anyone's hours combined. This has been both a blessing and a somewhat-awkward "Stuck on an Island" situation--Bananagrams has come in handy in those times. He is my best decision and I am so thankful we signed up to navigate life together. I love him most.
My family and my friends continue to be a source of strength and hope. I am grateful to live in a time where I can easily connect with people far away via Skype, FaceTime, and text messages. Seeing my nieces and nephew grow up at a distance makes me even more appreciative for in-person cuddles and playtime. Our Cornerstone Community Church family and my gals at Parents as Teachers provide amazing emotional support and help meet practical needs on days when I can't get out of the house.
I would be less than me without all of you. Thank you.
God is for me.
Perhaps what has come through most clearly in these times of sitting, waiting, and sighing is that God is for me. Ben and I had a beautiful conversation with the St. Luke's Transplant Chaplain about how God is for each of us in those hospital rooms. Therefore, my heart issues are not a punishment for wrongdoing or a way for the Divine to get my attention. This season of difficult decisions and stacks of paperwork is not a result of God trying to make my life story more or less interesting. Sucky things happen outside of God's hope for me and my life.
God is for my restored health.
God is for my meaningful relationships.
God is for my joy and hope and good work.
God is for me now and always.
God is for us.
And God is for you.
This has been an important year of stillness.
Cheers to a new season of life and hope for movement, however that may be.
Peace.
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